The Great-Green Hulk

I am one of the lucky ones. I have a beautiful, vibrant and strong relationship with my Dad. I not only receive from him but also have a deep love and respect for him. He is not only an excellent father, but also a sacrificial husband, a hard worker, a sincere friend, a devoted elder, and a passionate disciple of Christ. We have spent endless hours together hunting and fishing, traveling, building, serving, playing studying and talking. He is Bill Green, he is MY Dad, and I am his favorite (and only) son. 

Recently my eyes were opened to the truth that I have a selfish need for his approval. I am not a people-pleasing person and more often struggle loving in grace than I do looking to others for a sense of acceptance or appreciation. But it is not the same with my father, and it is not the same with people who are in leadership positions over me. By the grace of God extended to me through my City Group Coach I have been shown a tendency to seek this approval and to live up to or produce certain achievements. When the mark is missed my sinful reaction has been to take control. Whether I am taking over the reins in my City Group, marriage, discipleship, or personal discipline, my desire for approval has led to control and in turn the belief that my work is greater than that of the Holy Spirit. Ironically, these tendencies will most often (if not always) fail. 

I am currently going through a missionally-base training program called Porterbrook. I did not fully understand all of this at the time of the chapter, but my struggle is why I strongly connected with this conclusion in one of my assignments, “Disciples need more than resolve to believe the gospel; they need the Holy Ghost” (Porterbrook, Foundational Year, Part 2, 140). I originally wrote this essay in response to an assignment for one of our seminars. Before my eyes were opened to my sin, I would have taken an assignment such as this one and engineered it to death. On paper, it might even look decent but in practice the not-so-great hulk would come out and take over. 

The beautiful truth is this:

“[I]f Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you” (Romans 8.10-11). 

Practically, we should speak of and to the Holy Spirit often both personally, with our community and to the World. The Holy Spirit is not only given to us, but is daily active in sanctifying us and it is in Him and His work that we must rest. If we believe the truth that He is the sanctifier than we can be freed to love one another well and not out of a fleshly-desire for approval or control.

It's not about you, it's about me!

If you ever meet a mutual friend of mine and are trying to describe me, you will most likely give a description of me that includes, shall we say the decibel range of my voice. I don't do well in Libraries, and having a "private" conversation at Star Bucks just isn't going to happen with me. This great volume that I have isn't all that terrible, but this strength comes out in more than just sound.

A good friend and mentor recently pointed something out to me that I have not only been doing for years, but have never even noticed. One Saturday, while working in a mothball covered attic I asked him how he was doing. When he started to answer, I quickly took control of the conversation and made it all about myself. Although my intent was to have a discipleship-centered conversation together, the result was a lecture by your's truly. A few days later when he brought up the conversation not only had I not realized what I had done, but I didn't even remember the conversation.

I have been doing this for years and have done it to my family, friends, my wife and probably you.

If taking over the conversation was the worst part, then this friend probably would not have even brought it up. But, the deep-rooted sin underneath this conversational-dominance reeked of pride more than the mothballs. Every time I took over a conversation, spoke over my wife, or interrupted a friend I was screaming at the top of my lungs, "IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU, IT'S ABOUT ME!!!"

Similar to the powerful-punch of a small mothball, this sin seeded itself within me and grew strong as I ignored myself screaming over others. But even worse than the interruptions, selfishness and ignorance to my habit is the fact that I have idolized myself. At some point I started believing that my successes, accomplishments and personal growth were about me and not about God. In my mind (or soul) I became a better savior than God. I became a better sacrifice than Christ. I became a better helper than the Spirit.

I've written this blog for two reasons. First, I want to apologize to you. Second I need to see my sin. Over the past month or so I have begun to see this selfish-pride and have responded with humanity's cyclical style of behavior modification. Obviously I have gotten no-where. Tim Keller puts it best in his book, "Center Church":

"Moralistic behavior change simply manipulates and leverages selfishness without challenging it. It tires to use that selfishness against itself by appealing to fear and pride. But while this may have some success in restraining the heart's self-centerdness, it does absolutely nothing to change it. Indeed, it only confirms its power. Moralistic behavior change bends a person into a different pattern through fear of consequences rather than melting a person into a new shape, But this does not work...The solution is not simply to force or scare ourselves into doing the right thing, but to apply the gospel to our hearts' idols, which are always an alternate form of self-salvation apart from Jesus."

Please forgive me, and next time, just tell me to shut-up.

Do we have children?

Being a "20 something" married couple, it is not uncommon to be asked, "So, any kids yet?"

I have never been asked a harder question in my life than this one.

My answer, hesitantly, is always no. I do not have any kids. I do not have a child. I do not wake up in the middle of the night to a hungry baby. I do not change diapers. I do not have to change my own clothes due to unsuccessfully changing a diaper. I do not embrace my manhood while carrying a diaper-bag. I am not sleep-deprived, calling baby-sitters, or attending soccer practice. Our friends with kids live a beautifully-frantic, cram-packed life, and although they are tired and are under house-arrest by the sole authority of a toddler, I am deeply jealous of them.

We had been married just under a year last December when we found out Bailey was pregnant. We shared the news with family and close friends. We began discussing how our rhythm of life would change. I began preparing dry toast and a half-portion of coffee for Bailey to help smooth out morning-sickness. We spent Christmas with my family in Orlando. We skipped rides that advised against pregnant participants. Bailey, my sister Amberly, and my Mom spent a day shopping and bought our first newborn outfit (my Dad, sister Heather and myself were downing butter-beer and flying on broomsticks). We also picked out our child's first stuffed animal, a Winnie the Pooh bear. After the long drive from Florida to Arkansas we turned around and visited Bailey's family in Texas, where Bailey spent some time shopping with her mother for some infant clothes as well.

Just before our vacation was over we had our first ultrasound appointment.

Wednesday January 4th.

I have never been more anxious in my life as I was at that moment. The ultrasound began and the room fell silent. There was no sound, no heartbeat, no joy. The technician quickly let us know she was going to go get the doctor. His added skills with the ultrasound instruments did not matter.

No sound. No heartbeat. No life.

Bailey had carried our beautiful baby for 10 weeks. There was no way to know when the life ended. There was no way to know why the life ended. We had briefly tasted parenthood.

We celebrate our first child's life and we praise God for the life our child had, for the brief moments that we were a family of three, the brief moments that we were parents.

We cried, a lot. We cried together, with family, and with our community. People surrounded us, served us, held us and loved us as we mourned. We were comforted. But by far, our strongest comfort came from our God who knows the pain of a child's death. Verses such as John 3:16, which I had become desensitized to through years of Vacation Bible School, Bible Drills, and RA's, came flooding into our hearts with fresh new meaning.

For the first time, I understood that God not only suffered pain from Christ's death, but he chose this pain.

God chose pain in choosing us.

The world might see the loss of our child as God inflicting or allowing this terrible tragedy to happen. What I know now is that God is fully involved in pain and tragedy in order to one day fully redeem all suffering, all pain, and everything that separates us from Him.

Revelation 21.1-4

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear rom their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

FREE Evangelism

I just started my new job at Texas Wesleyan University as a regional transfer recruiter. I spend most of my time at one of the Dallas County Colleges representing the University and communicating important information to students looking to transfer. Recently I shared a space with an investment company who spent 4 hours standing in the middle of the student center asking students "Do you want a free Starbucks gift-card?" I was amazed at how many students blatantly lied over and over again.

Who doesn't want a free gift card?

Even if you hate coffee, I don't, so sign up for the dang card people, my birthday is a month away!

The catch is that we are set up in the student center where everyone who ever sets up anything is stationed. This monotony creates an impossible task of trying to win the attention of students who are forced to walk through this building numerous times a day while always being hounded to give blood, vote, sign a prospect card, or fill out our survey for "a chance to win a free gift card".

The point is, you sound like a hound. If you don't immediately get annoyed at this thought, imagine a full grown blood hound, fully capable of reaching painfully high decibels, barking at a squirrel in a tree that has no desire, need or intention to come anywhere near the ground where even then a clumsy old dog would never catch it.

How different do you sound when your youth group is standing on a Sundance Square street corner asking people "where will you go when you die"?

How different do you sound when you attempt to argue a person into submission all the while only communicating that they are damned?

How different do you sound when instead of living the gospel you are campaigning blind conservative morality?

Mark Driscoll refers to this as shotgun wedding evangelism, where the goal is converts who in turn have very little if any foundation to understand the gospel. For some reason we fail to carry out the full command Jesus gave to make disciples by baptizing and teaching. I thank God and give Him all glory for my baptism both in the water and spirit, but we have become far too pleased with getting people wet.

Without teaching the gospel and scriptures we have failed the great commission.

I was recently challenged and convicted with how my life, actions and conversations live out the gospel. Why   does the gospel not penetrate into my relationships and conversations. Why do I not read scripture with my faith family?

If our lives are gospel centered then we will not have to win the attention of the world. Christ has already done the work we must simply allow it to overwhelm us in our own lives as well as in community.

Acts 2:42-44

"And they devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and the fellowship, to the  breaking of bread and the prayers. And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. And all who believed were together and had all things in common."

My Master's Degree

Our life most recently (and most consistently) has been described as a whirl wind. This Saturday we will move out of Seminary housing and into our new home. For the story and updates on this progress you can follow my wife's blog. With this move we are officially removing any ties we have with seminary and my progress there of. I have started a training program through Porterbrook and begin a new job next Monday (Sept. 17).

This decision was not easy.
The Porterbrook program is not easy.
Buying a new house is not easy.
My new job is not going to be easy.

Leaving the thought of my Master's degree behind has not been easy.

From the audience's perspective it may seem that I am taking choice B, the wide road, or "the white slide"; allow me to explain: My wife and I both worked at Sky Ranch Camps for 3 summers. One of the events was the water slides, which consisted of 3 slides, a red, white, and blue. The blue was known for throwing you every-which way possible most often ending with a sore neck the next morning but never unsatisfied. The red slide was the most popular among counselors. If you knew how to "dry-slide" (which was definitely against the rules) and burito-wrap your slide mat, you could end the epic slide several feet in the air guaranteeing for your splash to not only reach, but drench the life-guard. Last was the white slide. This slide was longer, but with the added distance you also lost incline which created a slow-ride which most often ended with you getting stuck and having to push yourself the last 10 feet to eventually enter the slide pool (insert small splash).

A lot of what I have learned and who I have become involves my experiences at Sky Ranch. I learned to not waste my time on the white slide, but I also learned to not be scared of something different, something unseen, and something that doesn't "fit".

For years, I have been on one path, which in my mind always included me receiving a Master's of Divinity. The path over the last 10 months has been one, wild, ride. This summer God brought me to a realization that I was putting the approval of Men above himself. I wanted this age-old ministerial degree so badly that I didn't care if it wasn't part of my Master's plan, direction, and calling for me. I have been on the white slide, pushing myself along, hopefully, someday, arriving in that perfect wherever-ville. Why have I been on the white slide?!

I am three weeks into Porterbrook, moving into a new house in two days, and starting a new job in four.

Whether I find myself with a stiff neck in the morning or flying through the air, I now know without any doubt that I am serving my God.

It is not easy, but it is fun!

What do you want to be when you grow up?

The first time I ever felt called to any form of "ministry" was at the end of my seventh grade year when one of our FCA leaders began asking for a Bible Study leader for the following fall. I cannot remember my logic at the time (or if I knew what logic was) but I am sure it most likely had more to do with my respect for my current leader and an extreme desire to receive any similar form of respect from my piers.

In the year to follow I found myself in a constant struggle with God's calling on my life and in September 2001 I "surrendered to the ministry" during a fall retreat. From that tiny tabernacle in the hills of Northeast Arkansas to our apartment today in South Fort Worth God has continually developed his call on my life.

I have been encourage in the gifts God has developed in my life to care for his people and teach his word and constantly receive challenges to serve the Church no matter the price or pain. Bailey and myself understand our broader calling within the body of Christ and specific roles we have been given. We know that God has developed us and brought us together in marriage to serve his people, his Church and his will.

Even though I have had years to work out and understand this calling I am just now able to put my largest struggle into words. My constant craving is not to simply receive a calling but to see our destination. With the gifts, passions, and educational opportunities God has given me, I know that during my life I will be teaching and shepherding the people of God, but I have been struggling for years to discern where, when and how I will be working out this calling. I have recently realized that our lives are not called to a destination that we will fully understand or arrive at anytime during this life or this world. To live every day in hope of reaching some worldly destination is nothing more than a waste of a life.

But we praise God for the destination of his kingdom and the second coming of his son, and until then we ask for continual guidance as we seek to serve His coming kingdom.

The NOT so Whole Theology of the Holy Spirit

Growing up, I was almost always leading my Sunday School class in attendance percentage. I thought I knew all of the answers and for the most part, I did. I learned very quickly what type of questions my teacher would ask, and most of them, stereotypical involved Jesus or God.

I received a Bachelor of Arts from Ouachita Baptist University and during my studies I quickly learned that my theology of the Holy Spirit was almost entirely absent. Anytime discussion of our great helper the Holy Spirit would come up, my friends and I immediately found ourselves doggy-paddling in the deep end. My professors and mentors graciously guided me into the richness of the text and challenged me (and my biased understanding) with their lives and conversations.

Most often, (among Bible Belt Believers) conversation of the Holy Spirit ends with a downward looking view concerning speaking in tongues, or simply with sweaty palms and extreme anxiety.

I understand the concern that stems from a counterfeit experience and most people within this "Christian culture" have rarely (if ever) experienced authentic outpouring work of the Holy Spirit.

But do we desire it? Do we plead for the Holy Spirit to pour into our lives and churches like the fire that broke into the moment of worship in Acts 2? Do we truly believe that our context deems us capable of surviving this fallen world without the Spirit of God?

So, first off, I challenge a careful reading through the book of Acts, which speaks of the Holy Spirit twice as much as any other book in our Holy Bible.. For so long this book has been called "The Acts of the Apostles" and rightly so, but if you focus on the agency of the action I hope and believe your heart and head will be challenged with the constant requirement of the great helper.

Second, I pray for the day (for myself, for you, and for the Church) that we truly worship the Trinity in fear of the perfect will of God, and not in fear of gibberish coming out of your mouth. Do not take part in speech as debate, but challenge one another and seek the truth of our sacred text.

Ephesians 1:13

"In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, 

and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee 

of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory."

The Holy Spirit is God and if you are saved by Christ Jesus you have received this beautiful promise. Do not run from this truth, but run to our helper, and pray to be filled by Him as we wait for the great return of our Savior Jesus Christ.