The Great-Green Hulk

I am one of the lucky ones. I have a beautiful, vibrant and strong relationship with my Dad. I not only receive from him but also have a deep love and respect for him. He is not only an excellent father, but also a sacrificial husband, a hard worker, a sincere friend, a devoted elder, and a passionate disciple of Christ. We have spent endless hours together hunting and fishing, traveling, building, serving, playing studying and talking. He is Bill Green, he is MY Dad, and I am his favorite (and only) son. 

Recently my eyes were opened to the truth that I have a selfish need for his approval. I am not a people-pleasing person and more often struggle loving in grace than I do looking to others for a sense of acceptance or appreciation. But it is not the same with my father, and it is not the same with people who are in leadership positions over me. By the grace of God extended to me through my City Group Coach I have been shown a tendency to seek this approval and to live up to or produce certain achievements. When the mark is missed my sinful reaction has been to take control. Whether I am taking over the reins in my City Group, marriage, discipleship, or personal discipline, my desire for approval has led to control and in turn the belief that my work is greater than that of the Holy Spirit. Ironically, these tendencies will most often (if not always) fail. 

I am currently going through a missionally-base training program called Porterbrook. I did not fully understand all of this at the time of the chapter, but my struggle is why I strongly connected with this conclusion in one of my assignments, “Disciples need more than resolve to believe the gospel; they need the Holy Ghost” (Porterbrook, Foundational Year, Part 2, 140). I originally wrote this essay in response to an assignment for one of our seminars. Before my eyes were opened to my sin, I would have taken an assignment such as this one and engineered it to death. On paper, it might even look decent but in practice the not-so-great hulk would come out and take over. 

The beautiful truth is this:

“[I]f Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you” (Romans 8.10-11). 

Practically, we should speak of and to the Holy Spirit often both personally, with our community and to the World. The Holy Spirit is not only given to us, but is daily active in sanctifying us and it is in Him and His work that we must rest. If we believe the truth that He is the sanctifier than we can be freed to love one another well and not out of a fleshly-desire for approval or control.

It's not about you, it's about me!

If you ever meet a mutual friend of mine and are trying to describe me, you will most likely give a description of me that includes, shall we say the decibel range of my voice. I don't do well in Libraries, and having a "private" conversation at Star Bucks just isn't going to happen with me. This great volume that I have isn't all that terrible, but this strength comes out in more than just sound.

A good friend and mentor recently pointed something out to me that I have not only been doing for years, but have never even noticed. One Saturday, while working in a mothball covered attic I asked him how he was doing. When he started to answer, I quickly took control of the conversation and made it all about myself. Although my intent was to have a discipleship-centered conversation together, the result was a lecture by your's truly. A few days later when he brought up the conversation not only had I not realized what I had done, but I didn't even remember the conversation.

I have been doing this for years and have done it to my family, friends, my wife and probably you.

If taking over the conversation was the worst part, then this friend probably would not have even brought it up. But, the deep-rooted sin underneath this conversational-dominance reeked of pride more than the mothballs. Every time I took over a conversation, spoke over my wife, or interrupted a friend I was screaming at the top of my lungs, "IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU, IT'S ABOUT ME!!!"

Similar to the powerful-punch of a small mothball, this sin seeded itself within me and grew strong as I ignored myself screaming over others. But even worse than the interruptions, selfishness and ignorance to my habit is the fact that I have idolized myself. At some point I started believing that my successes, accomplishments and personal growth were about me and not about God. In my mind (or soul) I became a better savior than God. I became a better sacrifice than Christ. I became a better helper than the Spirit.

I've written this blog for two reasons. First, I want to apologize to you. Second I need to see my sin. Over the past month or so I have begun to see this selfish-pride and have responded with humanity's cyclical style of behavior modification. Obviously I have gotten no-where. Tim Keller puts it best in his book, "Center Church":

"Moralistic behavior change simply manipulates and leverages selfishness without challenging it. It tires to use that selfishness against itself by appealing to fear and pride. But while this may have some success in restraining the heart's self-centerdness, it does absolutely nothing to change it. Indeed, it only confirms its power. Moralistic behavior change bends a person into a different pattern through fear of consequences rather than melting a person into a new shape, But this does not work...The solution is not simply to force or scare ourselves into doing the right thing, but to apply the gospel to our hearts' idols, which are always an alternate form of self-salvation apart from Jesus."

Please forgive me, and next time, just tell me to shut-up.